U2start.com | General Humour Topic

Originally posted by U2starterhuh, looks like I'm the only one here who find it funny , other people thought its funny, so I posted it here, sorry for freaking you out with that pic..

Don't apologise. It is funny. Just in a freaky 'whoah' kind of way!!

LikeASong

16 years

I also find it (quite) funny. The Opposite World.

JohnnyVOXX

16 years

Originally posted by germcevoy[..]

does that freak anyone else out or is it just me?

right there with ya!

but I find it funny though....

JohnnyVOXX

16 years

well, here is a funny one my Dad sent me today...
enjoy!! a bit long but funny...

These legal gems have arrived courtesy of Tim Wardlaw of Thomas Cooper

The following quotations are taken from official court records
across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that
recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even
the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
_____

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
_____

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my
face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and
sentenced to ten years in jail.
_____

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
_____

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that
was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
_____

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
_____

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?"
_____

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."
_____

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
_____

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
_____

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
_____

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red
and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
_____

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."
_____

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
_____

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the
time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
_____

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you
can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
_____

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
_____

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
_____

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
_____

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
_____

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
_____

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
_____

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
_____

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
_____

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
_____

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
_____

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
_____

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."
_____

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
_____

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
_____

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?"
_____

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
_____

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."
_____

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question)
"Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
_____

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the
body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
_____

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to
his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them
your first name!"
_____

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."
_____

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
_____

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."
_____

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
_____

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
_____

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
_____

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
_____

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
_____

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
_____

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
_____

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."
_____

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she
wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding
all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would
he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
_____

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok?
What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
_____

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
_____

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you
not, where there was a victim?"
_____

Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and
doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
_____

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
_____

Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
_____

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head."
_____

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
_____

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
_____

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
_____

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
_____

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under
the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."