quote:

A TORTOISE whose owner claims it is addicted to smoking can apparently finish a cigarette in four minutes. Owner Li Yun from the town of Kouqian in Yongji county, said his pet was addicted to cigarettes after it started smoking smouldering butts he left lying around his garden. He said the animal is now addicted and he has timed it smoking a cigarette in four minutes, and gets upset if he can’t smoke half a pack a day. He said: “Whenever I smoke the tortoise lifts its head out of the water and stares at the cigarette. If I don’t let it smoke, it swims around crazily in its little pond, scratching the sides. “The tortoise won’t stop until I give it a cigarette and it bites the butt, and you can see the tip glowing. Within four minutes the cigarette is gone.” Tang Jingwen, deputy secretary-general of the Jilin City Animal Protection Association, said they wanted to contact Yun over his claims. He said: “If the tortoise smokes voluntarily there is little we can do, but we want him to stop making it public.”

Originally posted by JohnnyVOXX:

hello fellas!! here's one for all of you!!! P.S. Thanks to Frazer Hunt for this one:- Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on hisface. "Shiite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shiite, Shiite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jaysus... I'm feckin' fecked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No feckin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Feck it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jayne, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jayne. I was feckin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub".

Originally posted by AllBecauseOfU2:

How To Murder a U2 Song: Please login or register to view this link Click on the mp3 clip to hear it.

Originally posted by haytrain:

[..] I just puked all over my computer.